Mary (medworm) wrote in emailjokes,
Mary
medworm
emailjokes

Yup, still going

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzips her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.  Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
------

KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT

1) You're Different-And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose

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THREE PART MANAGEMENT COURSE:

Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"The crow answered: "Sure, why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson?
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

-----

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital.  They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident.  She rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says her husband's been in an accident.

They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case.  They page the doctor.  He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened?  How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news.  Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."  "Oh my God," says Mrs. Jones, "what will be his prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable.  However, his spine is inoperable.  He'll have no motor skills or capability.  This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob.  "And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues, "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he'll have no control over his sphincter.  His bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid.  Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, he's dead."

-----

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life.  Then, she was called to her reward.  As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret...  not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath..  I have lived for this moment!"  Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong."

"Well what can I do?  I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth.  When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished.  We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.

"Saint Peter," she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong.  Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter...I feel woozy.  That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me.  It is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good, good!  Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.

"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense.  Afterward, call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete, it's Peggy...  It's gonna be a while."

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My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake).  One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.  I read the box in the cabinet.  I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom.  Didn't they belong in the kitchen?  Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now, fast forward a few months...  It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner.  Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.  Mine was to set the table.  When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter.  Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.  Next came my father, who roared with laughter.  Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.  I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.  "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

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(Probably not true)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." --A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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....Feeling smarter yet?

-----

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service, then you will really appreciate this.

My aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge (the balance had been $0.00; now it was somewhere around $60.00).

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank: "...excuse me...?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you....the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: "...(stammer)...are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (lawyer info given)

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (fax number is given)

(After they get the fax.)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great!  If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care..."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 (plot number given)."

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the 'Ring Bear'..."

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Updated Employee Handbook 2007...

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary.

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.  You should not consider removing anything.  We hired you intact.  To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.  The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, & Dec.  25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.

If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.  In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.  Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.  In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

*Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
The Management

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Moms....
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:


Why did God make mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.  Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.  Mostly to clean the house.
4.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.  He made my Mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1.  We're related.
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string I think.


What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1.  My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.  They say she used to be nice.


How did your Mom meet your dad?
1.  Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.  His last name.
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my Mom eats a lot.
2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.  My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


What makes a real woman?
1.  It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.


Who's the boss at your house?
1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.  I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.  Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1.  Mothers don't do spare time.
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.  About 30 years.
2.  You can always count on grandmothers for candy.  Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!


Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1.  She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.  The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.  She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.


Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1.  Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.  Her casserole recipes.  But we hate them.
3.  Just her children

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd dye-it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2.  I'd make my Mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

-----

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt.  I cannot stress this enough.  It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1.  The dog lives here.  You don't.
2.  If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3.  I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4.  To you, she's a dog.  To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
5.  **Dogs are better than kids.  They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.  The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"  "Eight," the boy replied.  The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"  The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They are for my brother, he's four.  We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  He can't do either one."

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A CAT'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS:

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.  (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.  If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it.  If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot.  This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.  It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder.  I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her.  She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls.  That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator.  My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.  I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.  They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m.  to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea.

I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards.  I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub.  And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

I will not run around the living room in the middle of the night playing tap the touch lamps, causing my humans to wonder if strangers are in the house!

-----

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.  He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."  "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.  "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"  "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help at all.  If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."  "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.  You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

-----

And next...the images.  Comic strips, bumper stickers, billboards, Mastercard "Priceless" ads, and just generally funny pictures.  (I do have a lot more jokes in my documents folder, but some just weren't that good.)
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