Mary (medworm) wrote in emailjokes,
Mary
medworm
emailjokes

Yeah, more jokes

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"  "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."  The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl dressed in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."  The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few Words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."  The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

-----

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

-----

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"  Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."  He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes late with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

-----

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.  Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.  When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.  When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is, you're being discharged!  Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.  The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.  I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  Now...how soon can I go home?"

-----

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine - "la maison." Pencil is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer?"  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer") because:
1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later review.
4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1.  In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2.  They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

-----

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the  bedroom, turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back, and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, but the wife quickly shouted: "Don't do it, this man has been very generous.  Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, and who do you think paid for our new boat?  He did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What do you think I should do?"

The cabbie said, "You'd better cover him up before he catches cold."

-----

Ed finally decided to take a vacation.  He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life --until the boat sank.  He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing...  only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.  In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing,' he says.  "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?' replies the woman.  "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm branches.  And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed.  "You had no tools or hardware.  How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman.  "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.  I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.  I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned.  "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.  As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.  Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.  While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down please.  Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed.  "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies.  "How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.  After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.  "Wow!  This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.  She beckons for him to sit down next to her.  "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time.  You've been lonely.  There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months.  You know..." She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my email?!"

-----

A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish.  The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky."  The genie grants his wish.  Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.  Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven.  Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.  The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!"  The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.  At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."  The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."  So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.  "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.  The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

-----

The first mammogram is the worst.  Especially when the machine catches on fire.

That's what happened to me.  The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body).  Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out.

I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise.  I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded.  Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly.  These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional.  Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door.  She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional.  Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.  I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped.  I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions.  But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition.  "This is ridiculous," I thought.  I can't die like this.  What would they put in my obituary?  Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate.  An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet.  "Howdy, ma'am," he said.  "What's happened here?"  he asked, averting his eyes.  "My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again.  "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.  She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.  "Sorry!  That's the first time that's ever happened.  Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said.  I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time.  After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back.  But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

The end.
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